Sunday, June 20, 2010

Chapters

Life, like the greatest book you have ever read, has chapters. There is always going to be a beginning, a middle and an end. You start reading a book, and you cannot chose how the beginning starts. The same with life. We are born, and we cannot chose the parents we are given, or the way our life starts out. In a book, the beginning is laid out before you. You are introduced to the characters and the backdrop of the book. Following the beginning, there will always be the middle. The middle chapters of life are somewhat shaped by yourself. You can create your own story, your own backdrop and your memories. As you continue reading a book, you start to create your own story in your head, guessing what will happen, as you read on. Similar to life, it may not turn out the way you have expected, but at least you have given some input. The end chapters, in both cases, revolve around the middle chapters and what went on in the story or your life. Everything comes to an end. A great book and life will all end at some time. No matter how great it is, we have to come to the realization that at some point, it will be over.

After we start to get used to the way life goes, we can then build memories. Some memories will be positive, some negative. There will come a day where you will be flooded with memories of your past. This happened to me recently. I don't know why but there was a day which seemed like everyone and everything from my past came rushing into my life like raging waters. I sat there trying to take it all in.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Do you really see me?

I look at you and I find myself. I see my past and everything is erased. I see me for what you see me. The times we have spent hours talking, laughing, connecting...Those are memories that I have kept locked away, far in depths of my heart, solely for you. What may have been, what is, what will be, are all dictated by the smile on your face when we look into each others eyes. There is something about a connection that two people share, the spark that will light the fire. When you know the person just gets you, and your eyes speak to each other, regardless if your mouth moves or not. This is what I find with you. But I wonder what has happened, what will happen? As we know, life is unpredictable and sometimes, well all the time, you do not get what you want. We, as individuals, are proof that we will not get what we want. We will live a life of what ifs and wishes that never came true. What if it hadn't happened like this, what if it was still possible, wishing we could erase the hands of time.

Wishing that time would just go back to that very moment when we were in each other's arms and everything around us was beauty in its best form , love makes us do so much that we hardly could or would ever do . You were my very essence of existence and now i don't have you and all this fantasy world that i had built around us is just crashing down.

Our memories of good times still lingers on. I can see that look in your eyes when you wanted to convey that you loved me. I remember just how you would say I love you, how you would shyly glance in my direction in a room full of people just to say, " I am so glad I am yours." All of those now are just memories. Memories of what we had, memories of better days, memories of US. Now, as we move forward in life, we will create our own memories but there will no longer be an US. It will always be you and me walking in the same direction but alone.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Relate

I am trying to relate , the word relate struck me about a lot of things but then reality hit me harder , the realization that I don't relate to anything in my surroundings had me thinking , where all of this is going to lead me ,There are moments when I feel that I can relate to everyone and I feel I am a part of this whole new life that i am Living. I feel that I've found a whole new part of myself, a different person altogether, but then again there are times when I don't fit into this or any crowd. I feel that I am not meant to be here or anywhere around here,things are either way too good or extremely bad for me.
I feel like a stranger living in world beyond my level of understanding. A world that is not made for a person like me.
I can't relate to the way people around me think or live the way they do.The Story goes on ,lead by someone who wrote all this down in my fate or destiny not sure which one of it this is....

Thinking about it reveals the truth , the truth that my life is a mystery in itself , I feel , I think but in reality I don't think or feel any of this. Sometimes i wonder , what would i be doing at this very moment if I was not here , if things wouldn't have turned out the way it did.
If only everything worked out the way we expect it to , then life wouldn't be the same or Life wouldn't be life at all .......

Friday, June 4, 2010

Trying to find Myself

I constantly am struggling with exactly who I am. It seems one day, I am the happy go-lucky girl who doesn't have a care in the world, and the next day I am the the girl who can cry at the drop of a hat, the girl who feels like life is a struggle, and everything that could go wrong has. I am amazed at some people's confidence, some people just truly know who they are, and where they belong. Myself, I see more as a drifter. I am a malleable being, someone who is easily molded to fit the situation. This is good for somethings, but most of the time, I go with the flow, rather than remaining true to who I am. Why? Because I am still searching for just WHO I AM. I think that life is all about experiences molding who we are, who we will become. I have had many life experiences, and therefore sit wondering why I have not been shaped into the being that I will become. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes I find that if you are too set in your ways, dealing with the unexpected will ruin you. To me, being able to adapt to the situation is a coping mechanism. Nothing will seem too big if you are flexible. The world may be falling apart, your life could be coming to an end, but since you do not know where your place is, you just go.

I think the world is a hectic, crazy place and sometimes you need to stand to your ground. With this statement, I am back to square one- what exactly is my ground. There are so many issues that I am so passionate about, and ready to fight for what I believe, but when it comes to myself, fighting for myself, I am left lifeless. I think a lack of self confidence may cause me to just always say Yes to everything. The word no does not suit me. It is something that I need to learn. I need to take things as they come, be ready to do what I want. I am so involved in what people think, what people expect, what people want from me, I put my wants, my needs aside. I am always intrigued by the people who life their life with this "screw all" attitude. The people who just do what they want, when they want, interest me. I envy them to a certain extent.

As I sit here, I know a few things about who I am. I am funny, a hopeless romantic, a dancer, a friend, a loving person. But those do not define me. They are labels. It is so generic to say, I am a friend. Everyone is a friend to someone. Anyone can be a hopeless romantic, a dancer.. what makes me stand out. This is what I am trying to find . A reason to be different, a reason to be confident, to not be so easily influenced. Life is full of surprises. Each and every day we have is a gift. A gift to have a different experience, to learn a different lesson. We may not realize it, but we would not be put in certain situations if we were not strong enough to make it thru them. I am still making it thru situations from my past that each and every day make me stronger, make me think twice about just how wonderful life is. I think I am going in the right path on the quest to find out who I am and where I belong, I just wish I was there. But that is where the all infamous saying, "Rome wasn't built in a day" comes into play. All good things take time, and I think in some time, I will be shaped into that person who I am meant to become. I will be able to stand up and say, yes I know who I am and where I belong...but for now, that is just a dream!